Hospital Fears

I am a nurse. SO this fear is insane right. Nope I actually had a fear of Hospitals as a child. That was a huge reason for me to become a nurse. Obstacles always came in my way but I eventually got to my calling. I was the little girl with bruises and bandaids everywhere. I loved when my Daddy cleaned up my wounds and patched me up. I loved to wear those bandaids with pride. My little son is the same way with bandaids. Its freaky how similar we are. I used to swear he had my husbands temperament but oh boy he is stubborn just like me. Well back to my fear of hospitals. I remember two experiences visiting MCH. Yep I refuse to call it anything else. My first memory was around 5 years of age. My parents were traveling and Abuela Chelo was babysitting. She was amazing, my favorite grandma, she was sweet and gentle. Everyone loved her she always had a smile on her face. I loved my other grandma too but she wasn’t very happy. She always had a sad. I realize now that she was in a lot of pain. I know because I lived that same pain for 20+ years. My pain began at 5 years and continued until 2 years ago. My grandma Blanca was the same way. Maybe that is why I only remember a frown on her face. She was not very nice to my mommy either. That wasn’t cool and I knew it even as a little girl. The crazy thing is that I had forgotten all these memories until this month. Now after my TV appearance in my red dress everything unraveled. I remembered the details so clearly. Things that had been hidden in a red room inside my head. My memories were locked away from me. I realize now that I was one of those kids that felt the pain of others. I know this now because I see it in my son. The days I am sad or upset his moods change too. He cuddles more when I need it. He knows when I am happy or sad. That was me the little girl that felt the pain of others and tried to heal them. I had trouble falling asleep and woke up in the middle of the night to walk to my parents room. I would often roll down the stairs and get banged up in the middle of the night. I was a little clumsy and sleepy only made it worse. But I did the same thing my little guy does in the middle of the night when he roams into mommy’s side of the bed. I would wake up and go to my parents room. Now, the question is why did I go? Which side did I choose? I’m not really sure but the memories are coming back. We will see what comes next. Now, hospital fears. Back to the bad hospital experience for me. I was in the front bathroom of the house trying to pee. But nothing would come out, there was a fire and I was screaming. My brother, sister and grandma came to help me. They poured water and turned on the sink. Nothing was happening and I was screaming. They had no choice but head to the hospital. I remember laying on a cold hospital bed being held down with lights in my face. Then the pushed something inside me and suddenly I peed. It was painful but relieving. It was a pleasurable pain to finally release the urine that was tormenting my mind. Its the sensation you get when you held your urine way too long and finally get to go. The second memory, my brother was my protector. I was in midterm exams at St. Agatha. My stomach was killing me. It was cramping and I kept running to the bathroom. I had horrible colic and diarrhea. I was always freaked out for exams. My stomach was a wreck. I had a fear of testing and standardized testing was even worse. But this day was the worst ever. There was one teacher I absolutely loved. She was the sweetest thing in the world always had a smile on her face. She took care of me that day and called my parents. She calmed me down and told me there was nothing to worry about, “I will let you take the test.” I knew everything was going to ok. She was my favorite, but I can’t remember her name. My mom picked me up and took me to MCH. I remember my brother was there with me. The took me to get a barium enema. I know now that was the procedure but back then I was pissed. I knew they had shoved a tube up my butt and made me scream in excruciating pain. My brother was banging on the door, “let me in.” He got in and I was running to the bathroom holding my butt cheeks. It didn’t work the barium poured out of me all over the floor. I was in horrible pain and obviously super constipated. I remember I was safe again when my brother came in. He protected me and cared for his surprise little sister. I was an oops 9 years younger than my brother. Interesting thing is that my big debut on TV landed on his 50th Birthday. Yep my Big Brother was born on Valentine’s Day. I will never forget his 50th birthday. I was absolutely freaking out just like that little girl. My tummy was a mess yesterday and today. I woke up bloated both days. There are a bunch of other variables that played a role but stress was the biggest one. But the best part is that I experienced my fear and I felt the pain from the stress. The stress is gone now and the pain is too. Learning your body and its reaction to stress is my gift. This mountain I climbed yesterday was a fear that I stomped on. I was nervous and shaking inside my body but I did it. I sucked up all my fears and did it. So my childhood fears of hospitals never stopped me from becoming a nurse. My childhood fears didn’t stop me from getting on You-Tube. They didn’t even stop me from appearing on TV. I am out of the red room and I am free. Come join me in freedom. It is truly a bright light and a glow in your life. Let it go!!!!! I can help you….